11.26.2011

Saving June, definitely one of my favorite books of all time.

Storya pa lang, nakaka-relate na ko. The loss of a loved one. The characters. Laney, Harper. Shit. I love Harper. And Jake. Grabe, ma-iinlove ka talaga sa I'm-a-bad-and-sarcastic-punk-music-lover-guy character niya. Grabe. Tangina Tolan. I love you!
And syempre, the author. Can you believe that this is Hannah Harrington's first novel? Grabe. Kudos to you! Sobrang galing mong mag-sulat! (Kahit hindi mo nababasa `to, ok lang. Lol.) You really can relate to other people.
And the music. Putangina. If you know what real music is, read this book and you'll get to thinkin'. Mararamdaman mo talaga na may alam yung author tungkol sa musika. May pinag-huhugutan talaga.
Sa lahat ng mga taong nalulungkot dahil nawalan ng mahal sa buhay. At sa lahat ng taong mahilig sa musika. Para sa inyo `to. I'll rate it more than 5 stars in Goodreads if I can, pero hanggang 5 lang eh. The best! :-bd

11.25.2011

Naisip ko lang naman..

Do you believe in God? Ang daling sabihing "Oo", hano? Lalo na kapag madaming dumarating na blessings galing sa Kanya. Lalo na kapag masaya ka, lalo na kapag maraming bagay na grateful ka.
Eh paano kung nabaliktad si Kapalaran? Paano kung puro kamalasan? Paano kung puro trahediya ang nangyayari sa buhay mo? Masasabi mo ba agad-agad ang, "Oo"?
Hindi mo masasagot `yan, kung nababasa mo man ngayon `to. Kasi wala namang nangyayaring ka-sumpa-sumpa sa buhay mo. Maaari din na, oo... marami kang problema. Mababang grades, peer pressure, drug addiction, yosi, red horse, nawalan ka ng trabaho, tambay ka, nakakulong ka ngayon, o nasa ospital ang isa sa mahal mo sa buhay... Buti pa nga yun eh, alam mong makakasama mo pa siya. May chance ka pa.
Eh na-try mo na bang mawalan ng mahal sa buhay? Ng kaibigan, kasangga, kapatid, asawa, anak, magulang? Kung oo, maaaring masasagot mo ang tanong ko. Pero kung hindi pa, mabuti naman.
Ako oo, nawalan na ako ng magulang. Mag-iisang buwan na sa isang araw. Siguro, sa perspective o sa point of view niyo, madali lang mag-move on. Pero hindi eh. Tangina. Sobrang hirap.
Gusto mong alisin sa memorya mo yung huling alaala mo ng taong mahal mo kasi ang hirap tanggapin na yun pa yung last memory mo sa kanya. Yun pa yung fresh. Yun pa yung mas madaling alalahin. Yung pinaka-nakaka-lungkot. Tangina eh noh? Bakit hindi na lang yung masasaya. Yung mga nangyari noon. Bakit hindi na lang yun? Bakit kailangan yun pang pinaka-ayaw mong senaryo sa buhay mo ang maalala mo gabi-gabi?
Sabi ni Popoy ng One More Chance, kaya daw tayo iniiwan ng mahal natin, eh baka may darating na "mas" hihigit sa taong yon. Bullshit yon. Magpapakamatay na lang din ako kung may darating na "hihigit" sa Daddy ko. Sabi ng iba, kaya daw may nangyayaring "bad things" sa buhay natin, kasi may darating pang masasaya. Bullshit din yan. Sa tingin ba nila, kapag umakyat ka sa entablado kapag kukunin mo na ang diploma mo, masaya ka na wala ang tatay/nanay mo? Sa tingin mo ba kapag kinasal ka na wala ang tatay/nanay mo, eh masaya ka? Sa tingin mo ba kapag nagka-anak ka, hindi mo maaalala na sana nandito pa siya? Sa tingin mo ba sa bawat birthday at Pasko at Bagong Taon na darating, hindi mo hihilingin na sana nandito siya sa tabi niyo?
Masama na ko kung masama. Pero bakit hindi na lang ang mga taong puro masama ang ginagawa sa mundo ang kinuha Niya? Bakit hindi lang si Ampatuan? Bakit hindi na lang si Gloria? Putangina lang. Bakit si Daddy pa? Putangina.
Naniniwala ako sa Diyos. Oo naman, naniniwala ako. Nagpapasalamat pa din ako sa Kanya sa mga bagay na binigay Niya sa amin. I never stopped believing.
Pero sa mga oras na napu-punyeta ang buhay mo, minsan maguguluhan ka na lang talaga.

If given another chance.

Kung bibigyan akong mabuhay ulit sa ibang taon, dekada, at bibigyan ulit ng isang pagkakataon sa buhay, eto ang mga gusto kong maging:

  • Unang una! Gusto kong maging isang... music photojournalist sa Dekada `60, `70, `80 at `90 tulad ni Ms. NiƱa Sandejas. Gusto ko din maging katulad niya. Kumuha ng mga litrato ng mga paborito kong banda na patuloy na gumagawa ng mga kantang may sense. Gusto ko din magpunta sa mga gigs at concerts hawak ang isang kamera. Tangina. Isa `to sa mga imposibleng pangarap ko.
  • Gusto ko maging journalist/writer/broadcaster/director/producer (o in short: media person). Yung meron akong personal space na babasahin ng mga mambabasa. Gusto ko ding ilabas ang mga saloobin ko sa mga nangyayari sa mundo without being judged.
  • Isang author. Tangina. Kung hindi lang ako tamad magsulat (o sa lahat na nga ata ng bagay), eh baka nakakailang libro na kong naisusulat. Kaya lang that's life.
  • Mabuhay sa taong 1880's sa America, preferably in Texas. (don't ask me why) Pwede din sa taong 1920's or 30's or 40's. Basta before World War II.
  • Marami pa akong madaming gustong maging. Kaya lang eh Showtime na, kaya manunuod muna ako...

11.23.2011

Letting go.

I think letting go of my course this semester, which is B.S. Bio would be harder than I thought because of the people who keep praising me about it. Ugh. I'm just happy my Mom already knew of my plan and was... uh, very tactful about it.
My decision is done and I'm trying hard not to have regrets (although I really don't regret it). But when I think about it, it makes me sad because I'm expecting (which is silly of me) to see disappointment in their faces when the time comes.
But this is my life, and I have every right to do what I want, and Lord knows I'm doing this for my Mom. It'll be the three of us left (my Kuya's going back to Saudi Arabia) on December 14 and we need to be there for her.

11.22.2011

“Sometimes you have to realize that certain people aren’t meant to be in your life no matter how much you want them to be.”

— Nakita sa Twitter ni @AdaPadolina. Hahaha! 

Reality bites. And it fucking hurts.

I finally opened my eyes, to this complicated and perplexed world. As Ms. Rowling once said in one of her books,“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” Most of the times, I lied and told myself that some people doesn't change to the way you don't want them to be. But the truth is, they do. People change. Even the people you love and trust the most... they change. Even though I wish that they wouldn't, they eventually will.
At first, accepting it hurts. But then, I know bad things happen for a reason and even though it stings and it sucks ― losing the ones you love and trust that is, we eventually heal.
I lost so much this year ― I lost my Dad, my dreams, my hopes, my inspirations. And I think for a little while, because of the lies I told myself, I'm slowly losing the person that I was before. Changing to another person full of hate and belligerency. And because of that, I'm also losing the people that once liked and loved me.
I blinded myself by believing that once a person loves you, they won't leave. But guess what? They do. When I finally admitted that, I told myself that that's my cue to move on and make a change as well.
Two of my favorite quotes are from Sarah Ockler's novel Fixing Delilah. And these two sayings are the ones that keep me going forward.

“In your entire life, you can probably count your true friends on one hand. Maybe even on one finger. Those are the friends you need to cherish, and I wouldn't trade one of them for a hundred of the other kind. I'd rather be completely alone than with a bunch of people who aren't real. People who are just passing time.” 
“I was, but then I realized that I was holding on to something that didn't exist anymore. That the person I missed didn't exist anymore. People change. The things we like and dislike change. And we can wish they couldn't all day long but that never works.”

Life, it's hard and it sucks sometimes, but you know what? It's beautiful, too. Once we accept and open our eyes to the vast world full of hate, change, and anger.. we will finally see the world as an overwhelming place full of love.


11.21.2011

“But I believe good things happen everyday. I believe good things happen even when bad things happen. And I believe on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. And that's life, isn't it?”

― Gabrielle Zevin, Elsewhere

Brown hair please!

Makiuso na ang makikiuso pero gusto ko talaga magpakulay ng buhok. Hanggang Photoshop na lang ba ako poreber? Hindi pa nga masyadong maganda yung edit ko eh. -__-"
Sorry, hair. Pero gusto na kita pabinyagan. Gusto ko ng tanggalin ang virginity mo. Huuuuuuu~
Anyway! Sorry sa pagka-vain ko. Lol. Eh kasi naman! =))))))))))))))
At oo. Yan lang ang kaya kong gawin sa Photoshop. Ajejejeje. XD

Eh kasi magalang ako! =))


Ayan ang personal message ng Daddy ni Jorenn sakin. (Hoy @JorennDelMundo, kapag ako eh niloloko mong hindi nga ikaw yan. Sasapakin talaga kita! XD)
Eh ayun. Hahahahahaha. Kinabahan naman ako talaga ng bongga kasi... natatakot talaga ako sa Daddy niya. -__-" Pero anyways, nakapag-constitute naman ako ng appropriate answer.


Pero kasi... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! =))))))))))))))

11.18.2011

"All growing up means is that you realize no one will come along to fix things. No one will come along to save you."

ELIZABETH SCOTT, LOVE YOU HATE YOU MISS YOU

Details in the Fabric - Jason Mraz ft. James Morrison

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up
If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm
Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything, everything will be fine
Everything
Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.
Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything
Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

When I turn 18...

I'm planning to find a part-time job. Eh kasi... Sobrang daming bagay ang nagbago. Wala na si Daddy. Wala ng magta-trabaho para samin. Yung tipong, mare-realize mo na yung P100 eh malaking bagay na at dapat tipid-tipirin. Yung tipong sa bawat choices mo, hindi na sarili mo ang iisipin mo.

Tangina. Ang hirap i-explain... Pano ba?

Parang ganito... Gusto mong tumulong sa pamilya mo, pero at the age of 17 wala kang magawa. So you'll start to feel... useless. Yes. Tipong yung ginagastos mo eh makukonsensya ka na. And you'll start to look for ways to help the ones you love.

At ang unang una ko ngang naisip ay ang pag-transfer and to shift to another course, which is Civil or Mechanical Engineering and hopefully, makakuha ng scholarship agad sa first semester of the next school year. *crossfingers*

And of course, my second plan is to earn money on my own. Not because I want to be independent, but because I don't want to be a burden to those who're willing to sacrifice for me/us.

Sana lang, matupad ko yung second plan ko, kasi alam kong mahirap yun. Pero bahala na si Batman. And alam ko naman na tutulungan ako ni Lord sa lahat ng decisions ko ngayon.

Thank you Lord. And sana maka-graduate kami ni Dikong, and sana ok si Daddy. Kung nasan man siya ngayon. Sana lagi niyong gabayan si Kuya, kapag nakaalis na siya ulit. And sana po, bigyan niyo ng good health and long life si Mommy and to all my love ones na rin. Thank you po! O:-) <33

11.15.2011

"I hated school, I hated school. And I didn’t realize why. I thought I was…I was, I thought there was something wrong with me for hating school, for not being able to deal with school. At the time it was ingrained in me that school was: if you’re not successful in school you’re not going to be successful in life. And the hierarchy with the subjects at school, like the arts are given no credence. And if they are, it’s false credence. So, I look back on it and and I’m angry. I’m angry about it because, you know, there might be a brilliant ballerina somewhere in school who’s being forced to do maths, and she sees it difficult. But if she’s just allowed to express whatever gifts she has to offer then she would be happy and then she could make hundreds of thousands of other people joyous for a couple of hours per night."

— Andrew Garfield

"I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope."

— Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks, Cast Away)
(Source)
Leighton Meester | On the Set of Gossip Girl (November 9th, 2011)
Dear @itsmeleighton, why do you have to be so pretty? <333

11.12.2011

Change in plans.

Simula ng nawala si Daddy, I lost interest in a lot of things. Unang-una ang pag-aaral. Shit lungs. Ayoko na mag-aral. Ayoko na pumasok. Ayoko na. Bigla na lang tumigil yung interes ko na pumasok. I dunno. Gusto ko andito ako sa bahay para samahan sila Mommy and Dikong. Para makasama si Kuya bago siya umalis. Para may kasama si Mommy kapag umalis na ulit si Kuya.
That's why I changed my mind. Nagbago na point of view ko sa buhay. Iba na ngayon. Hindi na dapat sarili ang iisipin dahil wala ng katuwang sa buhay ang magulang mo. That's why next semester, I'll shift to mechanical engineering here in Cabanatuan. For my Mom and for my Dad. Kasi kapag dito, hindi na siya mahihirapan sa tuition ko. Kapag dito, may makakasama siya. Kapag dito ako nag-aral, hindi siya mag-isa na haharapin ang mga problema kapag wala na si Kuya.
Altruism. It's a difficult word to know, but I'm slowly learning. I need to put others first instead of my own interest. Iba na ngayon. Wala ng magtataguyod para samin. Wala ng magbibigay ng luho mo. Wala ng mag-ispoiled sa'yo.
Eto gift ko sa'yo Daddy ngayon sa birthday mo. I'm sacrificing for Mommy, to make it easier for her. Mahal ko kayo eh. Kaya happy birthday Daddy. I miss you so much. I love you! 

11.10.2011

Hi, Daddy.

Kamusta ka na? Ok ka ba jan? Na-mimiss ka na namin, lalo na si Mommy. We're coping, Dad. And Mom and Kuya are doing a great job in disciplining us. Nagpapakabait na kami ni Dikong ngayon.

I still cry at night Daddy. Kapag naiisip kong wala ng sasagot ng mga tanong ko sa sports, o kaya sa politics. Sana may red horse jan Dy. Chaka sana makapag mahjong kayo nila Tatay Amang chaka ni Daddy two. Nga pala Dy, mag-shi-shift na ko ng course. Mag-me mechanical engineering na ko Daddy. Para sa'yo `to. Kung magaling ka sa gears, kakayanin ko din. Kung kailangan kong mag-mulihon ng pinyon, gagawin ko. Kakayanin ko lahat Dy para sa inyo nila Mommy.

Sa isang araw na sana ang 48th birthday mo. Kaya lang, hindi umabot eh. Eh `di sana nag-iinuman na kayo dito. Hindi mo naman hinintay na bugbugin ni Pacquiao si Marquez eh. Iniwan mo naman kami agad.

Hindi man nga lang ako nakapag-alam Daddy. Hindi man lang kita nayakap. Hindi ko man lang nasabi sa'yo na mahal na mahal kita. Hindi mo man lang ako hinintay na umakyat sa stage eh. Hindi mo na ko makikitang aakyat sa stage, na naka-toga. Hindi mo man lang ako hinintay para ihatid sa altar. Hindi mo man lang hinintay na magka-apo ka...

Ang sakit Daddy. Ang hirap pala ng Daddy's girl. Minsan bigla na lang matutulala tapos iiyak ng walang dahilan. Minsan, sa gitna ng klase, minsan sa gabi. Minsan kahit nagbabasa ako. Sobrang sakit Daddy. Para kong nawalan ng saysay na mabuhay sa mundo.

Kaya lang, maiisip ko na kailangan kong maging matapang at maging matatag para kay Mommy. Para sa'yo. Hindi namin siya papabayaan kasi alam kong kung andito ka, yun din ang gagawin mo. Kaya nga lilipat na ko ng school Daddy next sem. Para wala ng pinoproblema si Mommy sa school fees. Minsan kasi inaatake na naman ang back pains niya. Kapag nangyayari yun, naiiyak din ako. Kaya lang syempre tinatago ko. Kasi nga pinipilit kong maging matatag.

Kanina nakakita ako ng white na butterfly sa school habang pinag-uusapan namin ni Jorenn kung mag-shi shift ba ako. Siguro ikaw yun. At kung nasan ka man ngayon Dy, `wag kang mag-alala. Dahil kung nandito ka pa, hindi ka mabibigo.

I love you so much Daddy. Minsan, iisipin ko na ok lang na nasa Heaven ka na. At least jan, masarap. Hindi mo na kailangan magtrabaho, hindi mo na kailangan mag-intindi. Masaya din ako para sa'yo kasi at least, you're now free from suffering and pain. Sorry for all the thing we've done wrong, and for the times we disappoint you Daddy. We love you so much. Especially Mommy. I love you Daddy! I miss you so much!

11.06.2011